doan thi dieu thao

A collection of my recent contemplations and stories and some updates about my personal life. Many moments passed and I feel I am an observer. It is a common saying when you hear someone who shares about their liminal phase after moving to a new country/new city like repotting a plant. Growing new roots and expanding them in a new land takes plenty of time; also at the same time, I take care of my own roots cultivated within myself. 

Job(s)

My job now in Ireland is not something I expected, I hadn’t prepared to work or live here, so to me, it makes sense. As I wrote in previous posts, flowing gives me a perfect “excuse” to experience, to review and to learn many things.  I tell my friends that my current job in Ireland is the easiest job I’ve ever had. However, it doesn’t make me feel ashamed because I know who I am and what I am doing at the moment. When I have spare time I still study and work on what matters for myself and support anyone who reaches out to me and figures out a big plan I want to make. Having mentees is something unexpected that happened during my time here, one is my friend who I have known for more than 10 years and one is completely a stranger, both reached out to me even though I don’t have any mentoring experience. Recently, one of them just got a job offer from Stripe (Stripe is a well-known established fintech company), and the other one got a job offer from a top-4 company in food distribution company. I was super delighted and happy to be a part of their journeys, even though none of them got scholarships. I think that the only thing I offer is: companionship. 

“Along the way of life, I have discovered three things you can almost always do in your darkest hour that almost never fail to recover the light:

Learn something.

Help someone.

Feel it all”

The Marginalian by Maria Popova

After many efforts, I found a place where I can volunteer and feel like I belong. I am working as a volunteer at Nature Network Ireland. I have started to work and get more involved in their rebranding journey. My partner witnessed an online call I had with the team a few weeks ago and he said: You are just so happy, you speak English well and are confident.

Massage

Recently, I have been following Naama Zusman Coach. She introduces different zones in The Big Leap book created by Gay Hendricks, in which we work with ourselves to see what we have in each zone. Zone of Genius aligns closely with what I have been working with myself since living in Ireland, I found the answer to a question: What brings me joy? I wrote about how I work with myself in previous blog posts. I traced back my life experience as far as I can, to reflect and to recall the joyful moments I can remember. I am not alone. Once I have a question for myself, I open up and the path widens more and more for me with so many individual stories in the world. For example, reading “Work That Matters” where the author named her model – “Liberation-based Livelihood” – Livelihood. I encounter that word a lot in my essay in the context of community development, I never think about using livelihood in my life context, so why not, finding something I love, work as a way of livelihood. 

Then, I made a bold decision this year…learning to become a Massage Therapist (as a second career). It has been months since I started learning all the basic lessons. Because of learning things I love, I pay attention wholeheartedly. I learn it effortlessly (or it is an effortlessly effort) and with a huge sense of joy inside me, this is exactly what I imagined when I was/ am working on myself.  The word “massage” came to me while I was jotting things down in my notebook. I don’t consider massage as a way of livelihood but a way I am doing what I really love and have a desire to help people. If you ask which karma leads to that, I can list a few reasons.

• I had learned Biology for 7 years in Vietnam when I was a student, and I attended many annual competitions. A female teacher in high school in my small village is the first person who realised my “talent” for it. She supported me and believed in me and (put me under a lot of pressure too, of course). I had studied and attended that kind of competition for years, I earned the awards naturally, so I had to keep doing it for another year and another year. From secondary school to high school, another female teacher here also recognised my strength. While I love Literature, Math and Chemistry, I still pay a lot of attention and spend time on Biology. Northern Vietnam culture or my loneliness after leaving Central Highland Vietnam or my innate ability, I do not have any answer for my ability to learn Biology and why I was so good at learning it. 

• I once dreamt that I wanted to become a doctor as my grandmother died soon after I was born. The life-long grief my mum carries in her heart has undoubtedly weighed on my soul. Back then, the moment I realised how much it costs if I study to become a doctor and how scared I was of blood, I left my dream behind (or I felt at that time, I was not ready). At the same time, my mum was too exhausted to raise me alone for years without any social welfare support from governments or grassroot communities like in developed countries. I don’t regret that I didn’t make it happen, because I have friends who now are doctors, nurses and pharmacists, not all of them are happy with their learning journey and their current jobs. 

• A few years ago, my mum was in back pain for years, it got worse and she couldn’t even walk or bend her back. Her pain is not only her pain, but the pain of a generation in Northern Vietnam’s villagers. They work harder and harder with barely any rest, my mum is a typical Vietnamese woman like that. In some way, their strong resilience in their genes and local herbs/food keeps them alive. I was fed up with her chronic pain and how whatever she does, how much money I spent, the pain is never gone. I left the happiest job I’ve ever had in my life so far, then I stayed one year with my mum with the motivation of helping her to cure the illness (If you know me in person, that time I left wecozy!). The day I rode my motorbike with my mum, travelling from my hometown to Hanoi at 4 am, we were waiting in the hospital hall for many tests, I told mum that: “Mum, I hate hospitals! please change your lifestyle cuz whatever we found out, I do believe you will be in pain again. You worked too much, your body doesn’t have time to be healed”. Doctors suggested my mum have an operation with her spine. We were so scared and hopeless that it would cost a ton of money. Also, we have only two people in my family, I have no big savings. We just thanked the doctor and left the hospital with a big bag of pain-killer and anti-inflammation pills. One day, my mum heard gossip stories of a man who cured many illnesses by acupressure massage. We doubted a lot but mum still decided to go there and put trust in him. What happened after that is a miracle story I always tell to everyone if I have a chance: my mum drove a motorbike for 40 minutes every day for 3 months to his house from 5:00 am, everyday. In the long queue of many people, everyone does the same thing: they put 20,000 VND (the equivalent of 1 EUR) on the Altar, a short moment of prayer, and lay down on the treatment bed. He checks their body and gives them a massage, in 5-10 minutes intervals at a time. I don’t know how things happened, because my mum has a strong commitment, or strong will or pray long enough or she has a chance to rest while travelling and waiting or he has a gifted hand to cure suffering and poor people as they said. My mum now can cycle the bike for 10 km every afternoon, she is healthier and happier than ever. We always mention him and his kindness in our weekly call since then, my mum always said we are grateful for his help. (In memory of him. I add this story because this wise man died a few days ago, my family felt very sad, we felt a big lost as a family member passed away)

• To sum up, what I am learning gives me a strong sense of satisfaction (even if it is so challenging): something I can pursue and learn and serve in the long term, something that makes me truly happy, something that I can use multiple skills I have, something where I can have me-time and community-time at the same time. I am always known as a top student in class, not humble (haha), but I never feel what I learned in school helped me so far to become a person I love to become. Here, a new and huge treasure box of knowledge is waiting for me to open. 

I feel so so happy that in some way, I turn to that path I am supposed to take…now, in a mindful way and know why I learn it and no barriers to stop me. Or, learning things with a (almost) mature brain / fully developed brain as scientists call it (around 30s), is such a happy thing to do. There are many moments I do believe when we learn new things, aha moment or just interesting facts, or just things which make sense…right? Like something just clicks. In my Master’s programme class, I really enjoy business modules, compared to what I am learning now, this feels much more real to me. Last week, I learned about “sympathetic nervous system” – which comes from the Greek word meaning feeling together and “the parasympathetic system” which literally means beside the sympathetic. I burst out laughing at how cheesy and cute they are. Finally, when I learn something, I feel that I choose to learn it (not anyone else), not because of things that shaped me such as job market, work experience or education path so far I have taken, but inside me, unreplicable. This journey is never boring and lonely, and I do not know what will happen next. I would love to develop my massage skills over time. Currently I offer free massage treatments, and I expect to get a certificate this August. Or, I will write more about massage or have another website to offer my “service”. 

Herbalism

I face a big challenge to live in Ireland as my body can’t cope well with the cold and damp weather and other environmental factors. I was “unwell” for almost three years here. Struggling to learn how to eat, live and adapt to the weather here is my biggest concern, on one side, I am confused and doubt myself a lot, on the other side, I accept that I come from a different geography and appreciate how the change allows me to observe, learn to accept my body, love and nourish it to thrive here. I never understood myself as deeply as at the moment. Also, health knowledge from what I learn so far helps me to do my best to support my body and rebalance it. The journey opens me to a world by the name of herbalism. 

• Growing up experiencing two different childhoods, from among coffee trees to among vast wet-rice fields, vegetables, green hills and green gardens, although I have a lot of friends, I don’t crave human connection and enjoying the time I am alone. I miss the days I played in the coffee garden alone for the whole afternoon, the garden was so vast to me. Nature is always my best friend.

• I remember when my mum was in hospital for a big surgery, I sat down under a big tree in the hospital grounds, another time with my adopted brother who tried to kill himself, alone, I sat quietly under a big tree, another time, there is only one tree here with me. I don’t feel anything at all, no pain, no sadness, just peace inside me, I didn’t even let my friends know what happened. Trees, they all hold my full attention without hesitation, just feel in awe and at ease. 

• I do believe that many Vietnamese friends remember every time they are sick, their mums pick some herbs from the garden to soothe their immune system. My mum, she names a lot of different herbs. She collects them, cooks them, and drinks tea from them. Unlike herbalism in the West, as a farmer and a butcher, my mum receives knowledge from older generations and her life experience. Yeah, somehow, I love it too, I never realised that until I wrote this post, I just love nature wholeheartedly. My mum and her sisters, my aunts, all of them in my small village would place the early seeds in my heart. I am far away from home and feel regret (a rare moment), that I miss all of that. My mum and all the women in my life, they don’t know how much they offer me more than they thought which knowledge that I could not get from anywhere else. 

• I care more about health and wellbeing since I started to cook or fall in love with cooking during my time living in Ireland. Growing up with my aunt’s family while my mum was away, I helped her family with farming activities and market food stalls for years. Life was so hard at that time, looking back now, I feel so grateful. I know where food comes from and how hard it is to grow them, how its original taste comes from simple fire cooking by wood, dried leaves and rice straws in the kitchen. Last year, standing in a small chain-grocery shop in Eindhoven, the Netherlands, “This smell is real”, I told my ex delightfully. I sniffed a tomato and grab a bunch of carrots nearby and bring it closer to my nose..hizzz…it is a real carrot. Haha, well, because carrots in Ireland are tasteless and have no smell at all. How come? It is so crazy, I have been living in Ireland for more than 3 years. I am about to forget the beauty of nature’s smell from “real-soil-made” carrots and tomatoes. Standing inside an Irish supermarket, looking at some bad-agriculture-practiced vegetables from Spain farms, I could tell how fake it is. I appreciate a lot of the vegetables and fruits I have at my tropical-climate home. The sun grows and nourishes our food in incredible ways. The smell of sunlight left on food skin, I miss it. I shop and eat local and organic food as much as I can here, many of my friends said it is the same with any other vegi and just more expensive. No, how they can be the same, holding vegetable in my hand, snip its smell, I know which is a real carrot, growing from good soil and getting enough sun to grow. My body is still learning to adapt to the taste of some local vegetables, also craving the vegetables at home. Now I try to eat more Irish vegetables such as beetroots, Irish cabbages, kales, and parsnips. A life full of twists and turn, it turns out, gives me “fundamental” knowledge of human beings now, especially with AI and new sophisticated ways which try to maintain capitalism.

• A few weeks ago, I attended a small field trip and learned about wild herbs in a small park in urban Dublin. I could say: I am so happy, that sense of happiness has stayed with me. The beauty of herbs and their actions on our body, I love how the Founder of Dublin Herb Bike mentions that we would celebrate the differences rather than using them as a reason to oppress each other. When I lost my period last month, I felt angry and upset (yes, I was) that it was not easy to buy mugwort here as it is an Asian herb and it is very expensive to buy. I bought some small herbal bags in an urgent manner to support my symptoms last month, which cost a lot. Learning Herbalism in Ireland allows me to shift my mindset and see the evidence: nature around us can heal us. Now, I name a few local herbs and I can forage, dry and use some local herbs local herbs with similar properties, such as motherwort, nettle and red clover. I didn’t know that I was pretty healthy when I was young because my lifestyle was pretty healthy and I ate local and native plants from the garden or on the grass bank where my aunt asked me to collect them under the heat of summer days for lunch. Now, in my third year in Ireland, I go to the garden behind the building where I live, I sit down, lower my body, pick nettle leaves, dig the dandelion root, etc then dry them inside the oven and then under the sun (when it appears for just a few days!).. Wondering why I never think about local produce, nature’s gifts ( always say I care about the environment and sustainable lifestyle) or pay attention to glean it, they are abundant and what I need to do is simple: pay attention. Realising that allows me to reflect on my perspective, my point of view of my health and other life aspects. 

Once my interest in herbalism grows, I can’t stop being in awe of what I have been finding so far. The knowledge about herbalism is vast and ancient. My body feels like…at home. I donate monthly to Herbalista and learn from them. The hardest thing but also the easiest thing now is: you have to know what is truth and what is a lie. They can’t lie to me about vegetables and fruits, and now they can’t lie to me about herbs.

Books

After finishing Becoming a Human, I read a short essay about Tenderness. Psychology and therapy have a long history to change the way of communication between therapists and clients, tenderness has come a long way to become a “standard” practice when therapists work with clients, this small essay supports the point of “client-centred therapy” which Carl discussed in his book, it makes me understand his book more. Of course, without case study or research, from our life experience, we all know the power of tenderness and gentleness and how it affects us. Even the word “tenderness” has its own journey like that. 

It is something I rarely talk about, only with some close and like-minded friends, we care, we feel pain, hurt and anxious and lose hope sometimes about what is happening now in society and on Mother Earth. We see it not in the outside world in our body cells, our behaviours and our thoughts. What do we need to do now? Is everything worse or better? Whilst pondering those questions, I sometimes just try to take one small step and one more step, small actions. Living in Ireland where grassroots communities thrive and available for everyone, hope is rising inside me, holding me back from falling where I feel hopeless. Recently, I have been reading two books: Small Is Beautiful (E.F. Schumacher) and The Ascent of Humanity (Charles Eisenstein). I highly recommend both of them to you, my dear friends. 

Ring(s) 

Love is something too personal for me to write publicly. Since I started this blog, I haven’t written anything about romantic love, I struggle to learn a lot, just like everyone else on Earth. I learn  from my life’s journey so far that life is challenging and rewarding at the same time. Having someone with me when I can be myself, to me, I feel blessed and very lucky. Being myself, yes, I do believe that it is such an important thing when we are with someone right? How do I know that I am being myself, it would come from my inner first; I should know myself first. Alone or in a relationship, I always remind myself to go back to my inner world; to accept others, I should accept who I am, an imperfect individual. But I have a strong desire, I want to do my best, to learn how to love someone in a healthy and mindful way. Setting foot in this journey, there are so many things open up for myself which are so difficult to express here by words. 

A few of my close friends know the news, many do not know: I will end my single life or I am getting married in Dublin, Ireland. I was typing these lines for months. I was waiting to share it officially until I got a confirmation email from the HSE office. It is a long story of what happened (I prefer to share the story in person rather than pouring all of the details here). Two friends were shocked and even asked, Is that real? I don’t ask that question to myself, naturally I accept the fact that it is happening now and I trust my intuitive sense.  My friend in Ireland said: this is the first time she has seen me so glowing and happy since living here. Oh no! It is not simple in these sentences, love is not something we can just use words to describe how it is, there are many unpleasant and conflict moments that happened between us too. 

A “helping relationship” – When I read those words in Becoming a Human, I was: How beautiful it is! “Help”, help each other to become themselves, help each other, remind each other when we are in hard times, uplift each other when one of us falls, give the other a hug when we are down, see the brightest thing which is hidden in dark days, put down the expectation and accept ourselves and others as we are, coming up with solutions and everything is solvable, because, if everything is perfect, what is our role with each other? I shared the book with my fiancé after reading a few pages. Together, we read this book and both of us appreciate it a lot. My life experience has broadened a lot since I met him and I feel very grateful. If there is a thing which is different in this relationship, with the man I love and want to live with the rest of my life with is: He accepts me and loves me as I am. I came cross the word “practice” in a newsletter a few weeks ago. Instead of saying, I do yoga, I might say, I practice mindfulness/ yoga, or saying “I practice saying kind-loving words” rather than “I try to hold my anger”. In Love, I would say: “I practice loving him mindfully every day”. 

That is all. This post is so (crazy) long, isn’t it? Thanks to anyone who made it to this line. I do think some of you might visit this post twice to finish it.